For Want of a Nail
For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the message was lost.
For want of a message the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.
There were times when I believed my life was over. If you have had thoughts like this as well, you might consider them to be like that nail as a symbol of the absence of hope. That song I posted yesterday had a special meaning to me. The part when he sang “you kneel by my side my hope torn apart”.
Through out the ordeal of my illness there were a few moments that stand out in my memory, some much sadder than others. I am talking about the moments where in my heart I was finished. I felt like I was empty inside. Worse than the physical, my spirit was fading. In those moments, I had some lucky breaks. I once told my sister, “I can not do this, I am not strong enough”. She told me simply, “you are the strongest person I know”. While I knew that wasn’t true ( I felt so weak), I had to stop for a moment and say to myself, “well if she thinks that, I better start acting the part, because I don’t want to let her down”. I tried, to become the strongest person she knew (which was really difficult because she is the strongest person I know).
There was another day that started very dark. That was the day I considered leaving this place via a scheduled departure. To think of those times now, I will admit makes me cry. I will not elaborate on that sad day and what led up to it ( though you might have an idea). I will say though, that after I made the statement “there is nothing left”, a person that was 6000 miles away told me over the telephone, “but I need you” and at the end of that day, I was prepared to face more days.
I have shared some fairly personal stuff on the world wide web. I am doing this because I am in a sort, looking for a return on my investment of work, and despair. You would think my health should be payment enough. It’s not. I was healthy before I got sick. While I have much gratitude for my return to health, I am looking for a little more here. I am trying to give back those several magnificent instances that may have very well saved my life and surely helped pave my way back to health. If those moments get made, or where or for whom they may land, I will never know but I will know I tried.
What got me thinking about this was the other day when I was getting the walls ready to paint. There was this one tiny nail stuck in the corner of the door. I couldn’t get it out and I told Tom “get that nail out, it’s pissing me off”. He said are you sure it’s not supposed to be there? I said jokingly “What? Do you think if we pull that nail out, Ireland will drop into the sea?” Back to me he said “For the want of a nail, the shoe was lost”.
Because I am still tender from formerly being very sick, I take simple things as wonderful gifts. I hope I stay this way, (“just promise me we’ll be all right.”)
That’s what I am taking about, hope and need and the need to be needed.
There is a nurse here in the UK and she also has Morgellons. At this moment she is in Seattle Washington for a two week retreat (with Dr. Klinghart). She has messaged me and told me it is amazing and she is learning so much. Also I am taking the liberty of saying that she plans on attending the Klinghart Academy here in the UK (I hope it is Ok that I shared that). I feel like this is good news for the Morgellons community. She will be back here in the UK on Sunday and I am looking forward to speaking with her on the phone when she returns. I know we all want to find out if she has learned any Morgellons tid bits (keep in mind that Klinghart does have Morgellons patients). She runs a Facebook page called UK Morgellons. While the page is not very busy at the moment, I am hoping that the UK Morgies can get organized on this site and then build a liason between The Charles E. Holman Foundation to bridge the UK Morgies and the American Morgies (and all Morgellons sufferers) to get infromation. I know the forums have done an excellent job at this but the Facebook format tends to be a bit tamer as far as leaving the drama factor out and it is also much easier to find information. Threads on the forums can be long and often lose the point. I am not knocking them, they can be amazing support. While many of do not want to be known on Facebook (understandable), you can just create a pseudo name as on the forums. Though I would just like to say out loud, the longer we participate in hiding, the longer it will take for Morgellons to receive the awareness that it (and you) rightfully deserve.
The link to The Charles E. Holman Foundation Facebook page is here:
The link to Uk Morgellons Facebook is here: http://www.facebook.com/groups/117820994972901/
As always my links might not work. Sorry again, please cut and paste into your browser. Real soon here I am hoping to get organized and fix that.