i lied and this is where, when and why i lied
by Living With Morgellons
part of the trauma that morgellons slams in your face is learning that you and lot’s of other people can be saying over and over “i am very sick please help me” and no one hears you or believes you. it is shocking and traumatic that you can be so ill and feel as if you you are near to losing your life (or close enough) and you tell this to doctors or your family or your friends and nothing happens. or worse they call you crazy or delusional. then you get sicker and really start to suffer in many ways. i had two seizures. after the first one i did not bother even calling 911. sometimes i can hardly write about this part of my
illness because i again suffer the trauma i felt in those very dark times. i don’t like to think about how i was treated like a filthy animal. actually worse than an animal because animals don’t lie. since basically everyone around did not believe what i was saying i can only assume they were calling me a liar inside their hearts but didn’t have the guts to say it out loud. what else can i make of it when you do not believe me when i speak the words directly ” i am sick”. if you do not believe the words that come from my mouth then you have said to me clearly “you are a liar”.
i started to wonder if the doctors, some friends and most of my family might be exactly what they thought i was..delusional? i tried to work this out and find some kind of reason behind it. they must be calling everyone delusional liars because they are delusional liars themselves and this is all they know or just assume everyone is just like them. it’s a mystery really!
honestly when i started getting sick and was told i had delusional parasitosis i tried to be reasonable and consider that maybe the stress i was under was causing me to be delusional. it could be true i said to myself. i tired to be brutally honest with myself as i talked my self through this “tina you are under incredible stress..the brain goes places..” but the reality is that the stress i suffered was from being so sick and being flat out ignored. the stress came form being physically ill and being basically left for dead. it makes the planet look a whole lot different when you realize you can sit on a park bench and die of sickness and hunger right under the noses of the people that claim to love you. you can sit on a park bench and slowly die and no one wants to hear about it. maybe if i had crashed my car into a wall on purpose and hopefully broken enough bones and did enough damage maybe i could have got some medical attention. as crazy as that sounds i would have indeed got attention for those injuries but not when i make a doctors appointment and try and tell and show them as rationally as i can..”i am real sick here. please help me”.
all this stress did make me nut’s. i knew i had reached an all time bat crap madness when i came up with a crazy experiment to try and get medical attention. early on i learned that doctors almost always maintained exactly the opposite of what i was maintaining. so the logic i then decide to apply was this. if they tell me exactly the opposite of what i say is true well why don’t i say the opposite of what i need here. since i needed medical help and i was sick i devised a plan (that actually freakin’ worked..this is so insane). i marched into the county hospital and told them my regular doctor thought i was sick with a parasitic infection of some type from all the foregin travel i had done. there is no lie in that statement. here is where my crazy lying experiment got me some medical attention. i further in effect said to a the county hospital doctor (knowing they would be contrary to whatever i said) “my doctor must be insane to believe i have a parasitic infection. that is disgusting that she suggest i have worms. or that i need this lab work including a stool sample or to see an infectious disease doctor ” btw my regular doctor was great. she believed in me and knew i was sick but did not know with what. she was very honest about this. she referred me to an infectious disease doctor and said i needed much more lab work. at this point i had been sick so long i was was broke. what this meant for me was getting in line at county hospital. a long line that pretty much leads to no where. except maybe the abattoir. so here is the sickest part of me being sick. after months of trying to get to an infectious disease doctor and to get this lab work done my crazy lie worked for me. within seconds of lying to this doctor “my doctor must be insane..blah blah blah..there is no way i have a parasitic infection or need that disgusting lab work done…”. with out skipping a beat this doctor sternly scolded me (he made it real clear he hated my guts too). this doctor said “how do you know that’s not true” i kept the ridiculous farce up denying that it could be true and that he must also be nuts as well to agree with my crazy doctor. i got my lab work real fast..even got that appointment with the infectious disease doctor. that is plain sick. so there you have it. i am a big fat effing liar just like everyone said. apparently lying is real big these days.
ok so i don’t know what any of this has to do with food, health or happiness. in the spirit keeping this post true to the integrity or relevance of this blog i have to think quick how i will pull all this together. ok..thinking ..thinking..here is a video i made in baja california..eating papaya on the beach. good food makes me happy. it also a great way to change the subject from a seemingly unwelcome subject… though all i was doing was telling the truth